Sawat dii kha Samui!

In Dublin and across Ireland, the life of Irish writer James Joyce is celebrated on the sixteenth of June. Bloomsday, as it is known, relives the events in Joyce’s novel Ulysses, all of which took place on the sixteenth of June 1904 in Dublin. In 1956 Ted Hughes and Sylvia Plath were married on the sixteenth June. Two years later in Accrington, Anthony Maurice Cross entered this world, and fifty-three years later (!) on the sixteenth of June 2011 he celebrated his birthday with his wife and son, and a joyful reunion with his middle child and her boyfriend in Koh Samui, Thailand (unfortunately the eldest child was missing, but she was very much missed).



Forrest and I woke on the morning of the sixteenth, hot and sticky from a night sweltering under the irritatingly useless ceiling fan in Koh Tao. A mixture of irrepressible excitement and a desire to leave behind the hottest room in the world behind meant that we had organised to leave on the first boat across to Koh Samui. Our slightly hungover and dazed rush to get organised of course meant that we misplaced the key to our room and had no choice but to pay the 1000 baht fine as we were already rushing by this stage. The boat trip across to Koh Samui, via Koh Phangan, passed without incident despite the graffiti scrawl next to my chair declaring that the boat was ”unsafe and put terrified passengers life's at risk”! We then had a hot and dusty tuktuk ride up to the northern tip of the island to Six Senses, where we were to check in and wait patiently for the rest of our party to join us later that evening.

Pulling up at the hotel in a dilapidated tuktuk and piling out in a sweaty mess with our dusty backpacks and shopping bags over spilling with excess items was to say the least a little embarrassing, but the staff at Six Senses, although they must have believed that we had come to the wrong place, were far too polite to voice this and treated us with the utmost respect. Despite the fact that we looked like bedraggled urchins, we were ushered to the bar and given the first of many complimentary drinks, in the form of a welcome dragonfruit, lychee and rum cocktail… cheap rum buckets at beachside shacks already becoming a memory of a distant past (“Forrest Dear, do you remember that time when we went slumming on our Gap Yah…?”) There was apparently some confusion regarding our arrival as the hotel had thought we weren’t arriving until the evening with the others, and our villa WASN’T READY and even more disgracefully our PERSONAL BUTLER JOY HADN’T STARTED WORK YET. Despicable and atrocious though this was, we succumbed to spending a few hours down on the hotel’s beautiful private beach while our private villa was prepared. We splashed out on a beautiful lunch at the “beach bar” but had another embarrassing incident when we were asked our room number for the bill and realised that we hadn’t yet been told this information. Now even more positive that everyone thought we were imposters and were going to escape without paying, we apologised and reiterated a number of times that our villa wasn’t ready yet so we didn’t have a number to sign for the lunch and that my parents were meeting us later that evening from England but we’d been on Koh Tao…yadda yadda yadda. I’m sure they believed our story to be highly suspicious but luckily our room was ready by this point and we escaped to the safety of our villa.

Anyone stepping into Hideaway Villa 02 would have been overwhelmed at the luxurious beauty of the place, but for Forrest and I having spent the past five months in grotty dorm rooms and sweltering bungalows it really was Xanadu. Unable to contain the urge to lay down in the cloudlike heaven that was the king-size bed in our room, Forrest yielded to his greatest love – sleep, while I spent my time wandering around the Villa in awe, pacing back and forth in excitement for seeing my family and sharing my excitement with my friends at Oceanside Wellness (AKA Private Practice).



As the Cross family arrival time grew closer, Forrest and I got ready and cracked open our complimentary bottle of sparkling wine as we chatted to Phoebe and then Semily, before heading to reception to greet them on their arrival. Although some unsuspecting hotel guests very nearly got the full brunt of my hugs and kisses when they pulled up to reception, I restrained myself just in time to realise that it was not in fact my family, and therefore had plenty of joyful and emotional love to go round when they eventually turned up! Once our weary, crumpled and hot travellers had checked in we all went to their Villa, which was even more wonderful than ours if that was even physically possible, and opened another bottle of sparkling wine, many beers and sang a late night happy birthday to Daddy as we presented him with a birthday chocolate cake that we had organised through the hotel (we had forgotten about the paleo palaver but Forrest, Louis and I were more than happy to eat it all ourselves). Once we had caught up with their travelling stories, which included D breaking bad with almost every Thai tradition and custom when their duty free champagne and tequila was taken away at Bangkok airport, we set off to explore the hotel grounds in the dark, which culminated in a midnight stroll along the beach and a last orders beer at the bar before we headed to our Villas to sink in to bed, exhausted from the excitement of the day.




The next morning, unwilling to waste any precious time with M, D and L, I woke at the crack of dawn and woke everyone else up and arranged to meet them for a family swim before breakfast. Even M joined us in the stunning infinity pool for what was to become a regular occurrence throughout the holiday, although managed not to get a strand of hair wet! Breakfast, of course another regular occurrence, was always a highlight of our day and definitely deserves a vigorous mention. Smoothies, cereals, nuts, fruits, yoghurts, salads, sushi, dim sum, dumplings, pastries, donuts, breads, thai noodle soups, pancakes, waffles, crepes, vegetarian food and eggs all had their own “stations” in a Willy Wonka breakfast buffet. Overcome with choice on the first day we flitted about from one station to the next, unsure of what order to go in, but as the days went on we quickly formed a routine, of which mine went as follows: freshly made smoothie, bircher muesli with dragon fruit, mango and pinapple chunks and a guava puree, dim sum with chilli sauce, an egg option (the highlight being a softly boiled egg topped with teriyaki caviar!) and then if I could squeeze anything else in I would treat myself to a small pancake or waffle with maple syrup, passionfruit sugar or chocolate sauce. And then I would resemble Augustus Gloop. While F, M and D experimented each day with soups and sashimi, and I at least strayed a little from the norm with my dim sum, L started each day with a bowl of Frosties, two eggs and bacon and then a croissant and a danish pastry, just as he would at home!




With breakfast done, and don’t worry I won’t be going through the whole breakfast buffet rigmarole as I describe each day, although I would be able to mention something new and brilliant each day – did I mention the honey came directly from a piece of honeycomb?, we headed down to our private beach where we spent a few hours catching up on news from home, snippets from our Gap Yah and relaxing in the beauty of the day. Unfortunately that pesky southwest monsoon was to put an end to our sunbathing, and one minute we were basking in the sun and the next we were running to safety through torrential rains. Of course what is the best thing to do when it’s raining on holiday? Eat and drink of course, so we made our way through the rains to Dining on the Hill where we overate tremendously, especially since we had already indulged ridiculously just a few hours before at breakfast. After a delicious Thai meal, we waddled back to our respective Villas to doze away the calories we had inhaled that day along with any traces of jetlag (F and I had sympathy symptoms),arranging to meet up later on to go out on the town.



Feeling fully rejuvenated we reconvened in the early evening and headed to Bophut Fisherman’s Village to the “walking street” where the array of food stalls, cocktail stands and clothes shops were a delight to experience. With a fifty pence cocktail always in hand (L’s favourite being the “Pina Carrada”), we wandered through the crowds, watched the women grilling, barbequing and steaming a plethora of questionable snacks and finally settled at a lovely little beach bar for beers and buckets as we watched fireworks and chinese lanterns light up the sky. After a good few drinks, we jumped in a cab to get some more, yes you guessed it, food! This time in the form of cheap cheap Thai food in a funny little deserted restaurant aptly named The BBC as we proved to M, D and L that Thai food is unfailingly excellent wherever you are, whether it be a five star resort or at a grotty little roadside stand. Not wanting the first wonderful day of our holiday to end we all went back to Villa 35 where we attempted to teach them ‘Durach’, one of the card games we had learnt on the boat down the Amazon, which proved to be slightly more trying than we first thought but I was confident that by the end of the holiday they would have at least grasped the concept of it!



Our morning swim the next day was followed by yoga, set in a beautiful little hut down by a rocky alcove on the beach. Our Yogi very quickly intuited who the yoga novices amongst us were and made M, D, L and F sit on blocks during the first very tricky exercise – that of sitting down cross-legged. At least L and F have the excuse of being tall, what was your excuse Shorty?! L and F had been worried that their yoga experience was going to resemble the scene out of Forgetting Sarah Marshall (very funny - watch it!), but luckily the Thai yoga that morning was a much more spiritual affair and our Yogi had us doing simple stretches, holding our breath for long periods of time and listening to the waves crash on to the beach. A very horrible start to the day indeed! After a delicious breakfast as per, we all retreated to Villa 35 to chill by the pool, read and catch up with a neglected Gap Yah Chronicles. Poor L was dragged off by D for a run down to the nearby village, carrying our dirty laundry on their backs on the way there and drinks and snacks on the way back, with the old man making L lug the heavy Bacardi bottle and six pack of beer in his bag whilst he struggled back carrying crisps! Two very sweaty Cross’ returned just in time for our complimentary foot massages, just as an almighty thunderstorm crashed in the sky overhead. Before the massages we were given a chilled herbal tea according to our birth month, and the descriptions were hilariously accurate; for L and F (November) their characteristics read, “Dark, Tall & Handsome, Wide Forehead, Hairy & Powerful Voice” and for M (February – so Phoebe this is for you too!), “Dull skin not healthy, rapid to turn silver gray hair, biggish joints, rashness. Mouth & body have bad odour”! Unfortunately we neglected to get a record of mine and D’s for May and June but I seem to remember it was something like “Practically perfect in every way. Apart from height”! The foot massages were bliss, and we topped them off with complimentary afternoon tea in Villa 35 of mini sandwiches, fruit tarts, chocolates, fruit bread and banana bread – yum.



Our day of “free” things concluded with “Meet the Management” cocktails and nibbles from 6pm – 7pm, so you can imagine with F leading the initiative that the Management (one of whom was Ms. Trunchball’s long-lost German sister) and the other guests were not entirely pleased at our sophistication as we commandeered the majority of nibbles and took advantage of the free drinks as we played a game of noisy jenga! We had planned a big night out in Chaweng, culminating in a late night clubbing at The Green Mango, but we quickly realised that this wasn’t going to happen. Stepping out of the taxi we found ourselves in Thairremolinos, with neon signs advertising burgers, beers and prostitutes as creepy old men wandered around hand in hand with young Thai girls. Determined to give it a chance we wandered around for a bit being propositioned by Ladyboys, before admitting defeat and headed to the beach in search of some more sophisticated entertainment, provided by F and I in the form of ‘Celebrity Head’ – a Gap Yah favourite! After a few rounds of CH (L – Jonah Hill, B – John Terry, M – Sarah Ferguson, F – Martin Scorsese) we ate a beautiful dinner at the restaurant recommended by Six Senses, Eat Sense, and then had an exciting but bumpy tuktuk ride away from Thaidorm and back to civilisation.



Father’s Day. Swim, yoga, breakfast. Chill by the pool at Villa 35. Poor L once again forced to partake in exercise despite the weather being incredibly hot and humid, but D was insistent that L improve his general fitness level (luckily he couldn’t say the same about me without causing an almighty row and ruining the holiday) before starting full time at Blackpool. Having borrowed a tape measure off Joy (our lovely lovely butler) and to the great amusement of the Six Senses staff they then proceeded to do the Beep Test in the driveway of the hotel. L beating D by a tremendous amount of course – perhaps D should improve his general fitness? Mum and I then did a little exercise ourselves and walked in to the village to collect the laundry. M read out every single sign, stopped to take photographs of absolutely everything and dawdled along aimlessly as I lost more and more water and became increasingly weak in the heat. At one point we were charged at by a buffalo but I was so hot and sweaty that I wouldn’t have been able to find the energy to run away had it not been on a lead. We did however pass some interesting temples that we vowed to come back and visit when we were less sweaty and then practically collapsed in the “Boring Fish” restaurant where we quenched our thirst with ice coffee (me) and beer (M). In the land of the tuktuk we were unable to get one to take us back to the hotel, so we ended up walking all the way back again much to my disgust, but I quickly perked up back in the air-conditioned haven of Villa 02 and with the thought of food to come. F had a pre-dinner Father’s Day Skype with Howard, Rick and Shan whilst I got ready and then we went to meet the rest of the clan for our Father’s Day ‘Dinner on the Hill’. I would love to say that this was a treat from the children but it was in fact another “freebie” from the hotel, so F, L and I bought D a bottle of red wine to accompany the beautiful meal instead. D was outraged that we all opted for the more Western cuisine on offer (Thai food is outstanding but sometimes one needs a burger) and in protest chose to have a seven course Thai taster meal while we tucked in to our lamb racks, steaks and burgers!



After a quick swim and a less leisurely breakfast than usual we were picked up from reception by Mu (one of the two men we called Mu from Boring Fish) who was to be our chauffeur for the day. The first stop were the temples that M and I had seen the previous day. Extremely beautiful, colourful and ornate Buddhist and Hindu temples; a dream for F’s love of ‘expressive colours’ on his camera. As Mu spoke very little English we had absolutely no idea what we were actually looking at, so we were a little confused as to why Buddha was seated next to Shiva but the Hindu Gods proved to be excellent backdrops for photos so we weren’t too bothered about the actual religious implications of the temples, they were just pretty to look at! To our amusement and further confusion there was a stand offering a fairground-like game, similar to ‘hook-a-duck’, but instead of a duck you had to hook a contact lens case which contained a number which corresponded to a prize. We all performed splendidly and came out trumps with some excellent prizes… F won washing detergent, D won a disposable razor, M a tin of condensed milk, L won some loo roll and I was awarded for my hooking prowess with a pair of flip-flops! After a brief moment of confusion we realised that this bizarre combination of prizes were in fact gifts for the monks, rather than very odd reminders of a Thai holiday and we happily handed them over in return for a thank you bracelet. We also bought a tile for the roof of one of the temples and inscribed it with our names (‘da cross family woz ere 2011’), eager for Koh Samui to remember us just as we were sure to remember our wonderful holiday on her beautiful shores.



F and I were keen for M, D and L to experience the white sands and turquoise waters that Thailand is so renowned for and as none of us were willing to go back to Chaweng, the best example of this albeit obliterated by Westernized tat, Mu took us to Choeng Mon beach which was a beautiful alternative. Not quite the paradise we had been hoping for but a stunning beach nonetheless and we soaked up the sun, read, swam, had massages and pedicures (not a great idea on a sandy beach) and L was even accosted by a monkey! After a few hours of beach bliss we jumped back in Mu’s truck to get back to the hotel in time for Dad’s reiki massage at the hotel spa. While D indulged in yet more pampering, the rest of us chilled out by the pool before Forrest and I, joined later on by D, had a yoga class with Dr Serge. Quite unlike the chilled out yoga we had experienced with our Thai yogi Dr Serge, an extremely bizarre Belgian/South African/Moon expat living in Koh Samui, practised the more Western method of yoga that we had been expecting – so we spent the next hour trying, and failing, to contort ourselves in to the various yoga poses such as ‘downward dog’ and ‘back-to-front-upside-down-monkey’! Although I wasn’t Dr Serge’s biggest fan (he was a patronising plonker in tight short shorts) I did enjoy his yoga class and we made plans to go to his pilates class later in the week. More ‘Meet the Management’ cocktails ensued before an unplanned walk to Boring Fish where we ate a beautiful meal of pineapple rice and some very non-boring fish and played cards – M and D still not really understanding the game at all, and L who had originally picked it up quite quickly seemed to be deteriorating!



The following day was memorable for two important reasons; 1. it was the infamous ‘boiled egg with teriyaki caviar’ day and 2. we went on a Samui island day tour with Mu. M, L and I hopped in the back of the truck, keen to stray from the norm (what. a. mistake.) while F and D helped with directions and road signs from the luxurious air-conditioning. We eventually found our way to the Magic Garden, a stunning sculpture garden entirely designed and created by a Samuian fruit farmer when he was the ripe old age of 77, which was an oasis of shade and tranquillity after the hot and dusty truck ride up the dirt paths.



We spent an hour or so here, before we went on a completely useless and fruitless search for either of the waterfalls that Samui is famous for, but our tour guide proved to be slightly inept in his duties and after half an hour we gave up and went for a refreshing drink at Liverpool FCs biggest Samuian fan’s restaurant! D, L and F got great amusement out of chatting about Liverpool and the Premier League with Thai Gordy, before we made the decision to abandon the waterfall hunt in favour of an elephant ride. And before you say it WATSON, aside from the caged monkey that was let out once a year, the place we went to was tremendously kind, caring and considerate to their animals, and the elephants especially were treated with the utmost respect deserving of such gentle giants. While M, D and L squished on to one elephant, F and I went on the other, and we did a short thirty minute circuit through the jungle which was both terrifying and wonderful. And hot. We rewarded the ‘phants with bananas (which F thought he had to peel first!) and then rewarded ourselves for such an excellent day with an evening of Forrest’s caprioskas, an exceptional array of snacks (including room service fish fingers) and Scrabble! F just scraped a win by one point with 96, I came in second with 95, D somehow managed 92 and M trailed behind with 88. L, not Scrabble’s biggest fan, played for about a minute and got 6 points for the word ‘fun’, which he quite clearly did not find the game to be!



After our hectic day the day before, Wednesday’s itinerary was a little less frenetic; swim, breakfast, beach. I blogged from a beautiful vantage point in a little beach cabana overlooking the sweep of the bay, while the others lazed about doing nothing productive in the slightest. The boys did attempt the world’s shortest and most disorganised game of organised beach football before we (sans mama) went to spend an hour with Dr Serge for a very funny Pilates class. Serge did nothing to redeem himself in my opinion, if anything I found him to be even more abrasive than in the yoga class, but it was good fun watching F, D and L struggle with the exercises whilst trying desperately not to laugh, both at our uselessness and at Serge’s teeny shorts. Complimentary drinks by the pool once more, and then we went for a great Thai meal on the beach in Bane Po to top off a lovely relaxed day.



My controlling organisational skills proved to be a success with the day-on-day-off method, as after Wednesday’s relaxing day on Thursday I herded everyone out of bed and into a minibus for another big day – this time to Angthong Marine Park, a fascinating archipelago of 42 islands. The speed boat out to the islands was fun, although M and I seemed to be the only two people on the boat that got wet! The snorkelling proved to be a little bit of a palaver, as we were practically dumped in the ocean with no instruction so everyone was standing on the delicate coral and touching things that they shouldn’t be in the shallow, petrol-coated water. M threw a small paddy when she found it especially found it difficult to grasp the concept of breathing, and returned to the boat in a sulk while we snorkelled. D claims he saw a turtle but I have reason to believe he is telling porkies, as all I saw were sea urchins and tiger fish, eating the bread proffered by sulking women on the boat. After a pretty unsuccessful snorkelling sojourn, we headed over to the highlight of the day and Alex Garland’s inspiration for The Beach – an emerald saltwater lake in the middle of one of the islands. A small climb up some rickety steps brought us out looking down on to the lake, and the view was absolutely stunningly incredible. Even M who was still in a bit of a sulk that we hadn’t helped her breathe managed to crack a smile at the inspiring scenery.



After a lunch and a doze, it was time for a spot of sea kayaking. M and D, who claimed to be expert kayakers due to their dates on the lake in Corporation Park (how romantic!), went in one kayak while the children went in another. Much to my dismay only two people in each kayak were allowed to paddle, so I just had to sit back and enjoy myself as I was paddled around by two strapping young men. Two strappingly useless young men as it transpired, as we continuously crashed into the rocks trying to navigate our way through the caves. The mood got a little tense when I tried to offer my advice for getting unstuck which wasn’t best appreciated by L and F, and neither was D’s smug kayaking knowledge, as they huffed and puffed our way out of difficulty. The dolphin surfacing in the distance and the unequivocally breath-taking surroundings meant that we were unable to stay cranky for very long, and the rest of the kayaking passed without incident, although L claimed that he was going to stick to activities using his legs in the future! We got back on the boat just as the skies turned thunderous and the heavens opened. Suffice to say that M and I weren’t the only ones getting wet on the return journey! Sopping wet but smiling we made our way back to the hotel to dry off, and then F and I experienced our first Dirty Martini at the fabulous Dining On The Rocks before we headed to the Country Bar down the road for another delicious meal and another amusing game of cards!

Friday. Swim, breakfast, beach. Followed by another highlight (can you have so many highlights when the entire holiday was a spectacular highlight?) – the Thai cooking class organised by F and I as a birthday present for D. Having chosen our three dishes the day before, when we arrived the ingredients and cook books had been laid out for us and our mouths began to water in anticipation of the delicious food we were sure to cook. The organised array of ingredients however was simply a ruse and it took a little while for the madness and chaos to dissipate, probably sometime around the third course! The ‘menu’ was as follows, with the unanimous winning dishes (not that it was a competition or anything!) highlighted in bold:

B – ‘sepicy’ beef & eggplant salad / crab fried rice / sticky mango and banana rice

F – ‘sepicy’ seafood salad / red duck & grape curry / sticky rice dumplings

L – clear chicken soup / pad thai / sticky rice dumplings

M – coconut chicken soup / fried sweet basil and chicken / water chesnuts in coconut milk

D – pad thai / thai green curry / bananas in coconut milk

An honourable mention must go to L for his wonderful soup and pad thai – not bad for a boy who has only ever cooked cereal and toast! That evening we had a final hurrah in Bophut Fisherman’s Village with lots and lots of mojitos at the Carpe Diem hotel. L’s tolerance for family fun was waning slightly by this point and his lack of enthusiasm was rewarded with an involuntary midnight dip in the pool, fully clothed! Carpe Diem indeed.



Saturday was the last day so I woke in a pretty sombre mood and performed the “tasks” of our Samui morning routine with some sadness. M, D and L weren’t flying until the evening so we had plenty of time to relax on our beautiful beach, squeeze in another ridiculously delicious lunch and enjoy each other’s company. We lingered on the beach until we were forced to face reality and go and get showered, packed and leave paradise for the airport. Of course, we managed to find the time for one last cocktail on Six Senses before our transfer to the airport arrived!



Saying goodbye to Mum, Dad and Louis at the airport was pretty difficult, and I spent a good while sobbing even once they had gone through to board their flight. We had a fantastically amazingly wonderful Gap Ten Day’s at Six Senses Koh Samui, and this blog entry can only serve to do a miniscule percentage of the holiday justice. The photos on facebook really do compliment the narrative here so if you haven’t already then please check them out, and for another amusingly witty perspective on the holiday then also check out Mum’s JoanneLikesFood blog on the CrossFit Clitheroe discussion board - 15th - 25th June.

All that’s left to say is a humongous Kawp Khun Ka from Forrest and I. We love you and will see you soon!

Forrest's Fankyou...

What more can I say but a humongous big big big fankyou to Joanne and Tony (Bea and Louis as well!) for 10 days in paradise and a truly unforgettable holiday! x

Joanne's Judgement...

As I sit here in Clitheroe listening to the Big Rains bouncing on the decking my mind is transported back to those heady 10 days spent on Koh Samui with the Forrbeas.............

Do's and dont's......

1) Don't take champagne and tequila on a flight from Bangkok without it being officially sealed at Duty Free, crying won't help and raising your voice certainly won't.
2) Do stay at Six Senses if there is one available, in fact don't go anywhere where there isn't one!
3) Do eat as much breakfast as possible so you won't need lunch
4) Do have lunch
5) Do take full advantage of complimentary drinks and canapés - have a little game to see how many you can down in the allotted hour.
6) Don't go to Chaweng
7) Don't go chasing waterfalls
8) Do ride an elephant - they bring luck apparently - but not to monkeys.
9) Don't use environmentally friendly bug spray - the higher the percentage of Deet the better - those little bastards are not only"noseeums" they are "nohearums."
10) Do let experienced Gap-Yaher's take over all organisation, negotiations and translations

Khawp khun Kha and Laa gon x

Anthony's Addendum...

Thoughts and Reflections on My Gaptendayyah in 91 words.

Beautiful Bea inside and out. Mature, capable, caring, clever, lovely B. And Forrest a man of talent with whom I could be friends irrespective of his association with darling Beatrice. Sensational Six Senses. Koh Samui. Shared with marvellous company; location chosen by Joanne as stylish in her choice as reflected in her own beauty and intimate style. And possibly Louis’ last family holiday of any sort for a good while? We will miss him at home and how often we said we wished that Phoebe was with us? And Chris. Hurry home Bea. x

Louis' Last Word...

Fun.