Hakuna Matata!

We had finally arrived in the promised land, and immediately after checking in to our hostel (the aptly named Tango Backpackers) Forrest practically pushed me out of the door and in the direction of our first parilla for his long awaited steak and Malbec. With gazillions of steakhouses to choose from in Buenos Aires we went with a recommendation from both my RG and the helpful girl on reception, Don Julio’s. With a name like that there was absolutely no way it would be able to disappoint, and disappoint it didn’t. Conscious that Forrest was probably able to blow our entire Gap Yah fund on steak in the eight days we were in Argentina, we decided against entrées of empanadas and offal and went straight for the good stuff. The menu was slightly confusing, with over ten different cuts of meat all under the steak subheading, but with a little help from our waiter Forrest eventually chose the 600g T-Bone (rare) and I went for the slightly less gluttonous 300g tenderloin (medium-rare), accompanied with chips and salad and washed down with a bottle of Argentinian Malbec. The meal was delicious, everything we had been hoping for, however Forrest was slightly disappointed with his steak, although cooked perfectly around the outside it was more raw than rare towards the centre. He wasn’t deterred though and still managed to find it in himself to finish it all. Exhausted from our red meat and red wine overdose, we dragged ourselves back to the hostel and collapsed into bed, our bodies desperately digesting our meal ready to do it all again for breakfast.



Breakfast brought us another Argentinian delicacy in the form of the divine Dulce de Leche, a little piece of gooey caramel heaven spread on toast (also great eaten with ice cream, in Alfajores, on media-luna croissants and with a tablespoon), we couldn’t help but think that Buenos Aires was going to be tight on our waistlines as much as our budget. We spent the morning catching up with the blog and friends and family back home, and waiting (and waiting) for Kyle and Veronica to come and show us the city. The vigilant Gap Yah followers of you out there may remember Kyle from the Ciudad Perdida entry as the Australian who shamed Forrest by walking the entire trek barefoot without a single glitch. He was now living in Buenos Aires with his Peruvian girlfriend Veronica as she studied at the University there, and they came to meet us at our hostel and took us for lunch in Palermo, the trendy neighbourhood of Buenos Aires where we were staying. Walking to the restaurant I had to draw my eyes away from the alluring shop windows displaying all manner of delightful looking clothes and shoes, which after three and a half months in fashions no-man’s land was pretty difficult to do. Forrest made good on his promise to have steak at least once a day, and we forced down another delicious meal while we reminisced about the good ol’ Lost City days before heading further in to Palermo for happy hour cocktails and made plans for the coming week.

Item number one on the agenda was THE BEST ZOO IN THE ENTIRE WORLD©! I had spent a good few hours poring over Kyle’s photos from Matt and Jenna’s visit, which showed them up close and personal with the cutest lion cubs in the world, and had been excited to meet Simba ever since. We arrived at the zoo to be greeted by a cage with two sleeping lion cubs in it, and Forrest and I eagerly had our picture taken with them, barely able to contain our excitement. Kyle dragged us away, explaining that the best was yet to come, and lead us towards the entrance of the zoo to buy our tickets and a bag of animal feed. The animal feed turned out to be a mistake for as soon as Forrest rustled the brown paper bag he was immediately swarmed by geese of all sizes, ducks, chickens and pigeons all desperate for a tasty piece of corn. Unable to say boo to a goose, I maintained my distance and laughed as Forrest was harassed by his new feathered friends while trying to feed the less offensive farm animals. The next lion cage we went in to had two six-month old lion cubs and one tiger cub, and we all happily stroked them as their keeper explained, translated by Veronica, that the cubs are taken away from their mothers at birth and reared by dogs who teach them how to coexist with humans and how to play safely. If one of the cubs got a little too rough, as is their nature, their “mother” dog would gently nip them to remind them to play more gently. Although the cubs were happy to pose for photos with us, they didn’t particularly like having a huge moonface shoved in their snouts as I quickly found out when trying to give the cutest one a kiss and got a little shock when he tried to bite my nose off.



As we wandered around the zoo, chased by the gaggle of geese that refused to leave us alone, it quickly became apparent that it wasn’t going to be winning any awards for ethics or animal welfare. The farm animals seemed happy enough, but it wasn’t easy to see the two huge bears in a cage barely big enough for a hamster, and the sea lions swimming round and round in a tiny paddling pool. The big cats seemed content enough laying in the sun, despite their smallish cages and kidnapped babies, but when you think about the huge areas they typically inhabit you can’t help but feel that it’s not at all right to keep them cooped up entirely for our viewing pleasure. Not wanting to lament the loss of the animal’s freedom for too long, we cheered ourselves up with a visit to the teeny tiny lion cub enclosure (a much nicer word than cage!) and as we cuddled the sleepy one-month old babies thoughts of animal rights quickly left our heads. Sure it might not have the vast open areas of the Serengeti, or even the conservation facilities of San Diego Zoo, but when were we ever going to get the opportunity to get so close to the king of the jungle again?

After feeding a fully-grown tiger milk out of our hands (y’know, just an everyday occurrence in the life of a Gap Yah’er) it was time to pay a visit to the Lion King. It was a pretty scary experience being so close to such a huge lion and one glance at his humongous paws and massive teeth was enough to remind us that he could tear us to a shred in an instant if we so much as dared to upstage him in the photos. That was not to be a problem as he posed like a pro as we trembled behind him. A camel ride, a baby lama and a sewer rat later and we were all ready to head back to the city to satisfy Forrest’s steak cravings. On our way out we couldn’t help but pay one last visit to the cage in the entrance, luring visitors in with its cute lion inhabitants, now holding four three-month old lion cubs all eager to play with us. As their mother dogs slept, exhausted after a day of lion-rearing, the cubs took the opportunity to go a little wild and while I stroked the more placid of the lions, Forrest made the mistake of lowering himself down to the cubs level, thus providing them with all the encouragement they needed to launch themselves towards him and “attack”. Luckily his years of fending off Sooty’s attacks held him in good stead and he held his own as two of the cubs pawed his face and chewed on his arms and hands. I looked up at one stage to see him practically lying down with one lion licking his head and the other gnawing on his arm as they rolled around the cage! A wonderful end to a roaringly successful day in the lion’s den.



We caught the bus back in to the city, and after changing hostels and washing away the hay and fleas (probably) it was time for more steak and red wine. Kyle and Veronica met us at our hostel and took us to Puerto Madero, the richest neighbourhood in Buenos Aires, for a surprisingly cheap buffet filled with delicious sushi, salads, pastas and of course the ubiquitous Argentinian churrasco. Between them Forrest and Kyle must have devoured at least a whole cow and a whole pig before admitting defeat, but somehow still managed to find a little extra room for some tiramisu! The boys suggested a little recline at a nearby bar to let our food digest before we headed off, but to all of our dismay the Hooters next door was closed so instead we jumped in a taxi to La Catedral, a tango club in a decidedly less well-to-do neighbourhood than Puerto Madero. La Catedral had been highly recommended by Doug so we were confident of its credentials, but as we pulled up outside a rather seedy looking joint I was slightly worried that we had brought our friends along to a crack den rather than a popular tango club. We nervously climbed the stairs to the club, not knowing whether we were going to dance or die, but to our delight we were greeted with mood lighting, a live band and couples gracefully tangoing across the crowded dance floor rather than knives, needles and nightmares. The professional couples illuminating the dance floor with their tango prowess wouldn’t have been out of place in a glittering ballroom in the world’s finest dance halls, but the atmosphere and design at La Catedral couldn’t have been less akin to Blackpool’s Empire if it tried. Situated in a dilapidated warehouse, the crumbling walls were hidden behind crazy modern art mixed with old Argentinian eclecticism. We watched from the side-lines, too shy to join in with the ridiculously professional seeming dancers, as we were seduced by the charm and character of La Catedral. The night came to a magical conclusion when the dance floor cleared and the tangoers were replaced with a band and a singer who serenaded their audience with lilting Argentinian melodies. Happily satiated with excellent food, red wine, company and tango we headed back to our new hostel for bed.



The next day was spent relaxing in the hostel, doing the obligatory “chores” of blogging, photo uploading and skyping. We left only to get some empanadas to mollify our grumbling hungover stomachs, but they were not particularly happy with our accidental offerings; tuna empanadas with icing on top. Even less delicious than they sound. The day after, happily rested, we set off to explore the city. Our first stop was the astounding Recoletta cemetery, whose ornate mausoleums towered over us as we wandered around awestruck, it was unlike anything I had ever seen before. The highlight however was Eva ‘Evita’ Peron’s grave, which is somewhat of a shrine to her and understandably crowded with tourists wanting to take photos. I did a little rendition of the Madonna classic ‘Don’t Cry For Me Argentina’ to the adoring onlookers, but was slightly disappointed not to have a balcony present for everyone to fully appreciate my vocal prowess. We quickly got bored of wandering around the cemetery and although it was interesting to see the elaborate crypts, at the end of the day it is still just a graveyard and that can only amuse one for so long. We very quickly made our way through the touristic nightmare on Florida Avenue, and had a delicious cheap lunch of burritos before heading to the slightly more upmarket Café Tortoni, an old tango café that is somewhat of an institution now after 150 years, for coffee and cake. We had to queue a little before we were allowed in, but once inside it was easy to see why people flock there. Aside from the mouthwateringly amazing cakes, the atmosphere inside transports you back to 1858 but one can only imagine the elegance and style of the customers back then sipping cocktails as they tangoed their way around the mirrored rooms, sidestepping the writers and artists that made Café Tortoni their home. We were brought back to reality with a pretty harsh bump when we stopped by to see Les Madres de Plaza Mayo. Les Madres are a group of women whose children went “missing” during the dirty war in Argentina, and ever since then they have marched in Plaza Mayo every Thursday from 3:30-4:00 for thirty years in protest of this and to draw attention to their plight. The determination and heartbreak still so present on these women’s faces is clear to see as they chant their way around the square holding up photographs of their children, who they have never given up the hope of finding, or at least finding out what happened to them. It is sometimes easy to forget as a Gap Yah’er visiting these countries that the difficulties of their pasts are still ever present and it is important to take a moment from beaches, drinking and buses to appreciate the true spirit of the people who live in these countries and are still fighting for freedom in one way or another. Although a slightly subdued ending to a lovely day sightseeing in Buenos Aires, we ended on a high note with more steak and red wine, this time with Jackie and Simon a couple we had met right back at the beginning in Rio de Janeiro.

Good Friday brought us something completely different to the repetition of sightseeing in the form of a theme park in Tigre with Kyle. Our expectations weren’t particularly high, but we were excited to experience something new in South America and I had thoroughly checked out the park’s health and safety credentials beforehand. We keenly rushed on to the two main attractions, upside down and spinny rollercoasters which were of a pretty good standard but nowhere near Alton Towers amazingness. Once they were done we tried out the other rides but our childlike enthusiasm quickly waned as we realised that they were probably kid’s rides and Forrest and Kyle struggled to even get their legs under the safety bars. The boys got some amusement out of the fairground style stalls, with Forrest winning me a tiny little prize on the basketball game, but after going on the big rides for a second time it seemed as though our day out at the theme park had come to an end. Not the greatest day out ever, but it was still good to get out of the city and do something different. Forrest met up with Kyle again the next night to go and watch a River Plate football match, something he had been looking forward to since the disappointment of the Maracana being closed in Brazil, and he tells me that it was a good match, they kicked the ball and ran up and down the pitch, but in the end River Plate lost which was a little bit rubbish.



I had used the time wisely while Forrest had been at the football and created an easter egg hunt around the hostel for Forrest for the next day, which was exhausting trying to think of witty rhyming clues (in one I rhymed ‘pillow’ with ‘fellow’!), but when I eventually managed to drag him out of bed on Easter Sunday he was thoroughly appreciative (not just of the unexpected early morning chocolate) and a few of my clues even managed to bamboozle him for at least five seconds. His favourite clues were “The Easter Bunny is such a cool geezer, he’s hidden an egg inside the …”, and “The Easter Bunny has fallen over, what a clumsy tit. Perhaps there’s an egg inside the first …?” – can you figure out where the eggs were hidden?! After the excitement of the egg hunt, we headed in to La Boca to see the colourful houses on the little touristy street filled with tango shows and photo opportunities with Maradona. We settled down with a jug of sangria as we watched the dancers perform and spent an hour or so people watching on the busy street, the highlight of this being a dog wearing a little pink hat! We then quickly rushed to San Telmo where we dodged the market laden streets to meet Kyle and Veronica for one last steak before we left for Australia. After we had satisfied our steak needs (it was becoming an addiction) we set off to go for a drink in Puerto Madero as Forrest and Kyle were determined to have at least one drink in Hooters! I am not going to dwell on what happened next but what followed was a very annoying pickpocket scam on the subway carried out with very little skill but nevertheless the thief was successful in securing one All Saints wallet, 500 pesos, one immediately cancelled Nationwide credit card and a UK driving license with the stern glare of Forrest to constantly remind him of his sins. To make things worse we were then subjected to another attempted mugging whilst we tried to board a subway to report the first incident, however Kyle’s diligence and alertness thwarted it. Luckily we had Kyle and Veronica with us to help us out both with Spanish and cash so the situation wasn’t desperate but just a little dire, and although it was unfortunate that it had to happen on our last night in South America it couldn’t put a dampener on our incredible time over the last three and a half months. We were treated to breakfast at Veronica’s the next morning, as saying goodbye a little depressed on the subway the night before hadn’t been very appealing, before heading to the airport to board a very long flight around the world to the next leg of our Gap Yah adventure… Australia!



South America was everything that we had thought it was going to be and more. I would be hard pressed to find something that I hadn’t enjoyed about it, and even the bit rubbish things like tummy upsets, the poverty in some places and the pickpockets all add to the adventure and turn the trip in to something that would otherwise be just a holiday. After all, as David Brent quite rightly said “to see the rainbow you have to put up with the rain” and what a rainbow we had seen in South America. Bueno.

Forrest’s South American Final Final Thought…

After a wondrous three and a half months in South America, I leave with only splendiferous memories. South America has everything a Gap Yah’er could possibly want; from the pristine sandy white beaches and turquoise waters of Colombia’s Caribbean coast, to the spectacular sunsets over the Amazonian jungle and the awe-inspiring snow-capped peaks of the Andean mountains. And let’s not forget the delectable cuisine of Buenos Aires. However, as with everywhere and everything on this planet, there’s always room for improvement, and therefore I would like to conclude with Forrest’s Top Ten Tips for Improving South America.

1. Make the Brazilian bikini bottoms smaller.
2. Either i, tarmac the lost city trek in Colombia or ii, provide emergency foot wear stops along the way.
3. Lower the altitude of the continent; such an easy and simple step to take yet it will save thousands from the dreaded altitude sickness.
4. Improve the provision of, access to and quality of red wine throughout the continent (with the exception of Argentina and Chile of course!) - it is inhumane to subject people to the likes of Brazilian suave on an eight day trip up the amazon.
5. When it comes to surfing lessons, surf boards must be fit for purpose. Inappropriate and unsuitable equipment can give the unfair impression of clumsiness.
6. Compulsory English lessons for all – without them the continent will never shake off its label of linguistic ignorance and arrogance.
7. The security on the Argentina subte (subway) has to be improved; pick pockets should be lifers.
8. Take whatever steps possible to end Brazil’s economic boom thus putting an end to the extortionate prices paid by Gap Yah’ers.
9. Animals from zoos and conservation centres around the world should be repatriated to the jungle. It is the right and proper thing to do – Gap Yah’ers shouldn’t have to wander around the rainforest aimlessly.
10.DO NOT close the Maracana in Rio de Janeiro whilst footballer lovers, including yours truly, are in the city. Excuses such as “renovations for the 2014 World Cup and 2016 Olympics are currently taking place” are, quite frankly, pathetic.